This weekend an honest-to-goodness American Apparel EMPLOYEE called my BF a hipster. Needless to say, I'm out for blood.
When my muscular lover dared protest, this AA rep cited his shoes (OK, yellow Asics Tigers) as proof. "Oh yeah," said my man. "How about the fact that I'm drinking this Mickey's you gave me and I hate it?" When that wasn't enough to convince the AAer of my BF's nonhipster bonafides, he brought out the big guns. "I'm not a hipster bc I majored in science, and not just so I could make drugs in my basement but bc I actually like science. Plus, I own a PlayStation and I play it. And I'm good."
And with that, the AAer was quiet, bc even if he plays video games or has taken ecstacy and wondered what a synapse was, he would never admit it. Ever.
What to do if you find yourself in an American Apparel and you're not a hipster:
1) Avoid the leggings. We nonhipster can't handle them and our cellulite is why.
2)Try on the jeans, bc they actually are pretty nice on our asses and they don't get holes in the crotch as quickly as other jeans do.
3) Leave the leotard alone. You might think it'll be awesome like when you were in that ballet class at age 3, but unless you listen to The Darkness and not just for that one bomb-ass song, you're just gonna look like a twit. Even then. Only a very certain kind of authenitc hipster can rock the leotard, and if you are blessed to be such a person, you know who you are. And if you are one of those rare people, fuck you. Seriously. Keep your freakishly flat stomach and perky breasts out of my face.
Air kiss!
fabrication!
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