wet and wild.

usually, just being in the presence of a slip n slide--or even a "slip and slide" made of mylar and mud and wet grass--makes you a nonhipster, but under certain circumstances, you can slide, and still be a hipster.

Those circumstances include:

1. partaking in an ironic photo shoot for paper magazine.
2. you're a living art installation about childhood and america.
3. you're on the losing end of a very high-stakes betting situation.
4. you happen to look fabulous wet and on your belly.

if you're a goth

And a Trekky.

RIP Dom DeLuise

You weren't a hipster, Dom, but you were rad. You shall be missed!

I was once at a steak house in Florida and Dom was there. He was making the whole restaurant laugh. When I finished my food, he took the plate from me and drew a picture on it in sharpie. It was of Dom's face and a horse. It wasn't very good, but I loved it and I loved him. And he let me smoke his cigar. I was 13 years old.
If you don't know Dom, check out "Spaceballs" and "Robinhood Men in Tights." And "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas."

Things Dom shared in common with hipsters:
1)He was from Brooklyn
2)He went to college in the North East
3) He wore funny hats

Things Dom did not have in common with hipsters:
1) He was funny, damn it
2) He loved food and ate it in public and even wrote cookbooks
3)He worked steadily his whole life and made his way up in the industry with nothing to help him but a gut and grin

I'll be drinking in his honor and watching Mel Brooke's films tonight, if you're looking for me.

UPDATE: I'm a liar

It has been brought to my attention that I am a liar. My BF just read the post about him and has threatened to withhold sex until I get my facts straight.

Update: That's a lie, too; he would never do that, but he is pissed.

Apparently, I was mad drunk when his American Apparel hipster encounter was taking place and don't remember things quite as clearly as I thought.

For the record, my anonymous BF likes Mickey's. He never said those thing about video games, though to be fair, they are true. He had a way more pithy comeback to the AAer than my fermented brain can recall.

Oh, and it all started bc the love of my life called the AAer a hipster first, so there! (As a matter of fact, the AAer is a hipster, so that wasn't an insult; it was an observation.)

Shut up American Apparel

This weekend an honest-to-goodness American Apparel EMPLOYEE called my BF a hipster. Needless to say, I'm out for blood.

When my muscular lover dared protest, this AA rep cited his shoes (OK, yellow Asics Tigers) as proof. "Oh yeah," said my man. "How about the fact that I'm drinking this Mickey's you gave me and I hate it?" When that wasn't enough to convince the AAer of my BF's nonhipster bonafides, he brought out the big guns. "I'm not a hipster bc I majored in science, and not just so I could make drugs in my basement but bc I actually like science. Plus, I own a PlayStation and I play it. And I'm good."

And with that, the AAer was quiet, bc even if he plays video games or has taken ecstacy and wondered what a synapse was, he would never admit it. Ever.

What to do if you find yourself in an American Apparel and you're not a hipster:

1) Avoid the leggings. We nonhipster can't handle them and our cellulite is why.
2)Try on the jeans, bc they actually are pretty nice on our asses and they don't get holes in the crotch as quickly as other jeans do.
3) Leave the leotard alone. You might think it'll be awesome like when you were in that ballet class at age 3, but unless you listen to The Darkness and not just for that one bomb-ass song, you're just gonna look like a twit. Even then. Only a very certain kind of authenitc hipster can rock the leotard, and if you are blessed to be such a person, you know who you are. And if you are one of those rare people, fuck you. Seriously. Keep your freakishly flat stomach and perky breasts out of my face.


Air kiss!

quasimodo chic.

you're not a hipster because you're standing next to h&m.