Why Allan from Mission Mission is not a hipster

Here's the thing about being a hipster. It’s like Fight Club: the first rule is you don't talk about it, and the second rule is that you never, not ever, admit to being one or think you are one. The moment you think you are one, you're not. I'm definitely not one because the other rule about being a hipster is if you have a side ass (the proper name for which may be saddle bags, but fuck you, that is rude) and are knock-kneed, you're not one. So that leaves me out. Whatever.

Now, my good friend whom I adore (and by that I mean this dude whose blog I love and read but have never met but whose taste in chicaronnes and dive bars is impeccable) Allan, from Mission Mission, seems on the surface to be a hipster. He kinda dresses like one--tight pants, ironically overdressed skinny ties--and he lives in SF's hipster mecca, the Mission. But then you start to realize, no Allan, you're not a hipster. Evidence that he is not:

1. He runs a successful and ever-popular Web site. Hipsters don't need fans. They send their art out into the void and the moment it becomes popular or makes them money, they cease being hipsters.
2. He is 28. That's almost too old to be a hipster. It's like being an actress, only slightly less soulless.
3. In a recent interview with Broke Ass Stuart, he is asked point blank if he is a hipster and he answers, "Well, I am wearing a fanny pack." That, my nonhipster masses, is a tacit yes. And as we know, that breaks the cardinal rule of being a hipster. Also, I have a friend who wears fanny packs and she does it without any of that affected irony that Williamsburg heroine-chic history majors wear it with. And you know why? Bc she grew up behind the fucking iron curtain, bitches, and she doesn't know the fanny pack is from the '80s! She thinks it's new, and shockingly convenient. Once I said to her, "Hey insert-Russian-name here, you're wearing a fanny pack!" and her face turned red and she said, "Why vood you call dis dat? Dis is my hip purse!"

Now, she, my friends, is a hipster. Because she's awesome and has no clue.

(Photo credit: Broke Ass Stuart)